Blocked

About six weeks in to lockdown #1 the guy I’d been seeing for several months, ended it. Being on furlough I didn’t have work to help me focus so for weeks and weeks and weeks I pined for him. Gradually everything went back to ‘normal’ - shops opened, bars opened, life moved on. But I hadn’t. I kept texting him, we met up a few times, we chat, we laughed, my feelings remained, but he had slept with someone else - maybe to move on from me, maybe just because he’s a guy and wanted a shag, I don’t know! It hurt like hell and my feelings continued for months even so. Until I decided to block him. He hadn’t even been texting me, I’d always been making the first move since the split, but I finally realised, I had to break contact to move on. Perhaps in time we’ll talk again but for now...?
Anyway, days on I started to feel better. What a brave move! I had finally blocked someone, putting myself - and my peace of mind - first. Usually it was the other way around! But I’m feeling good going in to lockdown #2. Time for myself, time to find true peace of mind, time not to pine… only to get a text from a guy I’d had to get over about a year earlier after it had got messy - crossed wires of what we wanted - and he’d blocked me!

A friend told me to ignore the texts but I didn’t. I wanted to see what he had to say for himself. He was sorry, had done a lot of work on himself, isn’t back to mess me around, does want to be friends... and I want to catch up with him, but we’ve been texting every day for just days now and I fear he’s already got in my system a little. He’s very funny and VERY charming. Not to be trusted! I’m happy for a catch up but he has the power to ruin me. I’ve also told him this. Maybe that was foolish, something he can use against me. But I figured he knows how screwed up I can get - that’s why he blocked - so knowing that, hopefully he won’t mess with me or that will just lead to a lot of toxicity all over again!! I hope we’ll catch up and I’ll stay strong, knowing that it didn’t work before and won’t work again because he doesn’t think we’re compatible. I’m not even sure we are, we just have ‘something’. But maybe not a long term something. I wish I could sleep with him knowing that we can’t be long term. That knowledge should make me immune to catching feelings this time - but it probably won’t if we meet up too much, which leaves me feeling perhaps we can’t be friends without me catching feelings? Meanwhile, how messed up am I?? One week I had to block a guy because I was so in love with him and it was killing me (probably still am in love with him if I was to see him in the street!), only to find, only days later, that I’m thoroughly confused over another guy who I thought I’d seen the back of?!

Why Universe, why are you doing this to me? What am I supposed to be learning from all this? It’s all so exhausting!!! I think I should be blocking all these guys and really starting over!! Maybe I’ll move cities after Covid, get away from it all?!