Changes

 I met my husband when I was 16. At that time we were both young and in love. We grew together, we relied on each other and we adapted together. He supported me through some difficult times and I realised I was so in love with this with man, that I thought nothing would separate us. We got married two years ago today and I was so happy. 

My husband changed after that. He was low in mood, aggressive when I was upset. It was like he was a different person. I encouraged him to try and get help and a few months later, My husband was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I tried everything: I supported him to leave his job because it made him unhappy and encouraged him to follow his dream of music. I encouraged him to cry and talk when he was low rather than bottle it up. I held him and took time off work when he attempted to harm himself. 

But then I found messages on his phone to other women, other women saved under other names. When that first happened, my love for him felt tainted. He said it was because of his mental health he was acting that way. He said he needed my help and my support. So I forgave and pushed him to get help.

I can say I don't know who my husband is anymore as I watched him become aggressive through his words. I watched him threaten suicide when I told him I could not do this anymore. I felt trapped from guilt. Guilt that something would happen to him and it would be my fault.

I supported him because I was loyal to him and I hoped he would come back to me. But when that one redeeming quality is continuously in question I had to ask myself how can I help someone who does not want to help himself?

When I found the messages in his phone again, I asked him about it and you know what he said? He told me he did not care about me or anyone. For the first time in years, I choose myself and realised that I needed to help myself and realise my own self worth.

I left him in the hopes that our marriage meant something to him, I waited for him to help himself, get some support for his own mental health but the first thing he did was go on Tinder. 

I realised that I needed to help myself. During lockdown it has been hard. I called my oldest and dearest friend and told her everything, I called the doctor and got myself counselling to help me during this time, I got domestic abuse support for a emotionally abusive relationship that I did not realise I was in. I helped myself because I realised no one else was going to help me change unless I wanted to do something about it